"Immortals", Indian director Tarsem Singh's entry into the world of the sword and sandal epic, lacks the sly humor of "300", the compelling characterizations of "Gladiator" and the Krakken of "Clash of the Titans" (let's face it was there another reason to see that movie?)
What else can one say about it? Well, it's not actually Greek mythology, the Immortals aren't actually immortal (the film makes it pretty clear that only statues are immortal) and the story - such as it is - is a mess.
For some reason King Hyperion decides it's time to get his hands on the Epirus bow so that he can bring down the myth of the gods once and for all. Thing is, there are so many disbelievers inhabiting the ancient Greece of this story that it seems the myth of the gods was brought down a long time ago or never effectively sold to begin with, so what's the point?
We're given no background on Hyperion at all. Where does he come from? How did he acquire such powers of ultimate badassness? Why is he intent on releasing the Titans when (if he knows his state sponsored religion - as he flatly states he does) he knows that by doing so he'll trigger the clause in the human/gods contract that allows Zeus and Co to enter the fray on the human side? Oh wait! It's because he doesn't believe in the whole Titans/gods thing to begin with so he knows he has nothing to fear. That's right. But, wait a minute, if he doesn't believe in all the supernatural fairy tales then why is he seeking the Epirus bow; a mythical weapon if ever there was one? And why is he intent on releasing the Titans which he doesn't believe even exist?
By this point I don't have a clue but I continue to watch as he goes on a first rate pillaging campaign anyway in an attempt to find the oracle who can tell him how to find the Epirus bow which is part of a mythology he doesn't believe in so that he can release the Titans he doesn't believe exist and thereby bring down the myth of the gods that no longer holds any sway over the majority of people in any event. Uh, sounds good to me.
Along the way he invades a town he states he has no interest in and makes the mistake of killing Theseus' mother in front of Theseus. This prompts Theseus (one of those countless disbelievers that populate the film) to take on the cause of protecting the entire discredited political system Hyperion is laying siege to simply because his mom bought into one part of it and Hyperion killed his mom.
So let me get this straight: what we've got is a villain attempting to find a weapon he doesn't believe exists in order to bring down a system nobody buys into anymore which is defended by a hero who doesn't believe in the system he's defending. Okay. If you say so.
As Hyperion Mickey Rourke spends most of his time channeling Brando from Apocalypse Now (I kept expecting him to say to Theseus; "You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill" but alas...). Granted he's not given a lot to work with, what with all the predictably pompous dialogue and artful posing but he is given a slew of really interesting hats to wear which serve to redeem his character.
Speaking of hats; the aesthetic choices exercised by the creative team are, lets say, interesting. For instance, Zeus has a permanent five o'clock shadow (like he doesn't have time to shave on the eternally dull summit of Mount Olympus?) and the minotaur - who is supposed to be half human, half bull - is instead half human half Picasso sculpture. And speaking of the Minotaur, the only available burial crypt in Theseus' home town just happens to be in the middle of the labyrinth, where for some strange reason there's a 6 foot tall blob of rock that no one seems to notice plopped in among all the geometric precision, and it's apparently been there for some time.
Though the violence in "Immortals" is appropriately symbolic the creative team have chosen as their primary symbol that of the baseball-bat-meets-pumpkin. There are more exploding heads in this single film than may have actually occurred in the entire history of the human race. I find it a curious symbol to hang your pseudo-mythology on but that's just me.
I'm not going to go into how it all wraps up. You already know the end of a film like this before you sit down with your popcorn. Good triumphs over evil (evil being all those things the powerful used to attain power and now want the rest of us to swear off of) and a child is born to ensure a sequel (should the box office warrant it).
Still, with all that said, as long as you don't go into Immortals with any expectations you may emerge thinking "Man, all those exploding heads were really cool!" which is, as far as I can tell, exactly what the film makers want you to think. Either that or "Man, Freida Pinto's body double has a really nice butt!" which works just fine for me.
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