Nov 24, 2015

"The Martian" - 2015 - Movie Review

Pre-production meeting for "The Martian" - Scott Free Productions

Various production types talking before the Big Guy arrives.

Production type 1:

"People don't want serious movies. Look what happened to The Counselor, Days of Heaven and Body of Lies. People just don't care anymore. They want brand names that don't call them out for being the consumer sheep that they are. If we don't get on the brainless bandwagon we'll all be out of work."

Production type 2:

"So what are you saying? That Ridley should abandon serious films in favor of...?"

Production type 1:

"I'm saying no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of consumers."

Production type 2:

"Okay... So we shouldn't make 'The Martian'?"

Production type 1:

"No, we should make it. Just not as the serious movie Ridley wants to make. We need to steer him toward the abyss. That's where the money is."

Production type 3:

"You mean like Sandra Bullock?"

Production type 1:

"Exactly! Gravity was huge. Why? Because it was a metaphor for our brief, dangerous, depressing and isolated trip through the cosmos? No. Because it had Bullock and what's his name... ham-face."

Production type 4:

"George Clooney?"

Production type 1:

"That's the guy. Clooney."

Production type 2:

"I don't think he'd be up for doing a slightly different version of Gravity so soon."

Production type 1:

"Doesn't matter. We get one of those other "Ocean's Eleven" celebrities to do it. People love celebrities, they couldn't give a shit about actors."

Production type 3:

"How about Matt Damon"

Production type 1:

Slappling the table hard "Yes! Perfect! We can have him say 'shit' and 'fuck' a few times. People love when celebrities swear. It's so edgy."

Production type 2:

"I see where you're going... but we'd need to get China involved somehow. That's a huge market."

Production type 1:

"Absolutely."

Production type 4:

"But isn't pandering to the commies a little, you know, unethical? Lack of elections, suppression of liberties and all that..."

Production type 1:

"Who cares if they can vote? They're obsessed with brand names. We'll give them a bunch of brand name celebrities and make the PRC look like Paris in the process. "

Production type 3:

"Like Transformers 47 or whatever it was."

Production type 1:

"Exactly! We'll have to open new corporate accounts to handle all the cash."

Production type 2:

"What if we did a whole Apollo 13 thing? People loved that movie. Some thought it was based on real events."

Production type 4:

"It was based on real events."

Production type 2:

"It was? ...well, even better!"

Production type 3:

"And we could throw in some 70s disco, you know, to ramp up the PC wackiness. We might even make it onto the Yahoo homepage in between some of their Hillary stories."

Production type 4:

"But disco sucked in the 70s and it still sucks!"

Production type 1:

"My friend, do you have something to contribute? Because if you're just gonna wallow in hate you can leave."

Production type 4:

"You didn't hire me, Ridley did. And disco does suck. It did then and it does now."

Production type 2:

"Hey! Here he comes. Are we gonna do this?"

Production type 1:

"Absolutely. I want to have a job a year from now. Just follow my lead."


Enter Sir Ridley


Sir Ridley:

"Morning people."

Production types in unison:

"Good morning Sir Ridley."

Sir Ridley:

"Before we begin I just wanted to say that I just got off the phone with Fox and told them to put that South African guy's Alien picture on indefinite hold. We're going to do our own and do it right. I want to make sure the franchise gets back on track."

Production types in unison:

"Good idea Sir Ridley."

Sir Ridley:

"I also talked to Von Daniken and we've come up with a title: "Alien: Paradise Lost"

Muffled chuckling. Multiple spit-takes.

Sir Ridley:

"I'm thinking we can get Matt Damon and have him fighting the alien while in the background we hear... what's the name of that song again... oh yeah "I Will Survive"'

Production types look at each other with broadening smiles:

Sir Ridley:

"Now. About this Martian movie. Any ideas?"

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"The Martian" signals the sad end of Ridley Scott as a serious film maker and fills me with dread regarding his upcoming Alien and Blade Runner films. The only relevant question now is: will he live long enough to completely destroy the legacy of his two bona-fide masterpieces? Stay tuned.


The Martian: Verdict: ☆☆☆☆

1 comment:

  1. Spot on review, thanks for telling it like it is.

    ReplyDelete