Star Wars Episode Two Attack of the Clones - 2002

Star Wars II Attack of the Clones is one of the worst movies of the 21st century, and I have no doubt it's going to retain that distinction as the next 89 years or so are played out. It's illogical as well as atrociously written and acted; though to be fair you can't blame actors for saying the garbage lines they're given or for doing what the talentless director tells them to. I had high hopes for this film, thinking "Surely George Lucas has learned from his mistakes with Phantom Menace" but no. The only thing he apparently learned was that he could put together any old piece of trash, attach "Star Wars" to it and make himself another billion dollars in box office and merchandising.

The story itself isn't worth recounting because, as far as I can tell, there isn't one. I'm never made to understand what anyone is fighting about. Why don't the "guardians of peace and justice" work feverishly behind the scenes in an effort to find moderate elements in both camps that would be willing to compromise? Isn't that how diplomacy works? And isn't that the Jedi's job; to avoid conflict and promote peace? Here all they seem to do is look for the next excuse to kick butt. Sure, it would have been harder to write a compelling story about the Jedi's attempts to head off civil war with diplomacy and Gandhi style non-violent civil disobedience but you set the terms George not me so don't expect me to simply buy it when you then turn those "guardians of peace and justice" into a clueless, light saber wielding mob.

Here's a few more questions that arise from the muck that is AOTC: Where did Doodoo come from and why should I hate him? What's a "sith" lord? Why do Obi Wan and Anikin hate each other? Aren't they supposed to be good friends? Doesn't murdering innocent women and children by the score and then not showing a cintilla of regret count as 'turning to the dark side'? And if it does, why do we need the third movie? Doesn't Padme's knowledge of Annikin's genocide and her subsequent silence make her an enemy of peace and (especially) justice an accessory after the fact and a candidate for the gallows? Doesn't anyone notice that the emperor looks an awful lot like Palpatine in a black hood? Why didn't the robot at Padme's window just drop a huge bomb into her apartment and be done with her?

There are dozens more questions like these that beg for answers but what's the point? Instead I just want to talk about Hayden Christensen for a moment. Is there a worse actor on the planet? Does this guy know how to do anything except pout and puff up his cheeks? Watching him, (especially in his interactions with Natalie Portman as Padme), is one of the most painful experiences I've ever had at the movies. It's as though George Lucas got drunk, went wandering the streets in his drunken stupor and cast the first person he threw up on to play Anikan. In fact I'm certain that if Lucas had used that casting method he would have found a better actor. Christensen makes Andy Serkis seem like Laurence Olivier. I'm willing to accept that some of the blame rests on the shoulders of the no-talent director, but I don't think even Martin Scorsese could have coaxed a passable performance out of this guy. He's that bad.

In the end this is a film for 7 year olds that don't ask questions about plot inconsistencies and don't care about bad acting; they just want their General Grievous action figure for Christmas. So if you're reading this and you're not 7 years old and you haven't seen the prequels and you're thinking about spending your hard-earned money on DVD or BlueRay versions, all I can say is watch it on youtube first. I'm pretty sure you'll wind up keeping that money in your pocket.

"The galaxy is so stoopid!"